Poll - Friday, November 19
Well, it's been three days without a word. Now I'm at somewhat of a dilemma. I publicly posted that I was aware of her presence on my site, and asked her if she wanted me back. She has visited the site at least once from the same location since I made that post. She is aware of the question at hand and has chosen not to respond. Does that mean that she doesn't want me to a part of her life anymore. Is she holding some type of anger against me and just doesn't want to deal with it?
I no longer feel guilty for avoiding her all this time because I have forgiven her for what I was mad at her for and invited her to accept me back into her life. Again she has let me down again by not responding at all. This is one of the main reasons I was mad at her to begin with. It just seems like everything I count on her for falls through. It's like that trust exercise where you fall backward and the person behind you is supposed to catch you so you don't hit the floor. I can't remember the last time she caught me but I kept getting up and doing it again. Sometimes I wonder if she just secretly hates me or something.
I can accept that it will take time for our relationship to grow because I understand that we basically have to start over again. I have turned myself into a completely different person. I have worked very hard to accomplish what I have, and I am proud of those accomplishments. She always acknowledged those accomplishments but they were shortly followed by criticize and doubt. I want my mother back, and the part of our family that comes with it.
So to help me figure out what I should do, I'm asking YOU. You may have noticed that I added a poll on the right side of my blog. Time for this thing to get interactive. If you think I should just go over to her house and knock on the door without an invite, or any clue as to how she feels about me choose "Absolutely". If you think her silence is a way of telling me to get lost and I should just move on with my life without her, choose "No way". If you have no idea what's going on and could care less about this post, but you like to push buttons, chose "Who cares".
Note: The poll on the right side of my blog will be removed in two weeks.
2 Comments:
On November 21, 2004 2:43 PM,
Hayitzmeee said...
Is it possible since others use your Mom's computer that it was not her? This is a possibility you did not mention. I had told your sister how proud I was of your new found love of God and I gave her your site to 'nudge' things along. I was hoping she would give this site info to your Mom...If I was wrong in doing this I am truly sorry. Instead of wasting precious time and writing why not just pick up the phone? She loves you and always will (as I do).
Dad
On November 21, 2004 5:06 PM,
Ryan said...
Well, no not really. The site stats show that the hits came from my mom's work. So unless my sister has been using the internet at one of the computers in my mom's office (unlikely), I don't think that's the case.
I also don't feel that comfortable just calling her out of the blue. She knows how I feel I encourage her to contact me, but only if she truely wants me to be a part of her life again. I'm not going to force myself in, I need to be invited. She hasn't taken the initiative to do so, so it makes me feel that she doesn't WANT me back.
Put yourself in my shoes. If you got mad at me and avoided me for almost six months and suddenly decided to email me to patch things up. You knew I read the email but I never wrote you back or talked to you after that. Wouldn't you feel like I wasn't willing to make things right?
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